I have previously mentioned here that 2014 is the year I am going to start looking at myself a lot differently and stop being so hard on myself. If you've been a reader for a long time you'll know that I've been very honest and open about having bulimia and being depressed. I spoke out about these things quite a few times on my blog but recently I deleted all my old posts. I am very proud to say that Bulimia is no longer something that exists in my life everyday! It crops up occasionally but it's a little monster that pops his head around the corner, says boo and I kick it back to Timbuktu. wow that rhymed!!
I know I look at myself very negatively, not always my appearance but me. Things out of my control, that other people do, I blame myself for, which is so silly! And I've reached a point where I'm sick of feeling so negative. I want to be able to stand in the mirror and say "yeah, you're beautiful and you're an amazing person" big headed? NO! Not in the slightest. We are only one person. That body that you're in right now is you. This body that's sitting here typing is me. The noise that comes out of my mouth is my voice. Why would you not be proud of that? You're not someone who goes around torturing other people, you're not a murderer (I hope) and you're certainly not voldemort so why on earth would you not be proud of the person you are? I make people smile, Everyone in my life I give unconditional love to, I know I'm nice to people, So why do I still look at myself so negatively. It needs to stop and I want to do certain activities throughout the year to nudge myself into feeling good and seeing things a lot more positively. The only way I'm going to start to that is to look back at the past few years...
When the Bulimia started, I was very unwell, No one knew about it in this year, it was something I kept to myself and thought I could handle. But clearly I was wrong. It all started by not feeling like I was good enough in the relationship I was in at the time. A personal demon I still really struggle with today. The bulimia started in the August, I'm not sure of what I weighed before then but in the space of 4 months managed to get myself down to 6st. I became very obsessed with numbers when it came to the scales. My moods were all over the place and by the end of the year was not a nice person to be around at all.
2012 was the year I started to take control of it (real control) don't get me wrong I still very much struggled with it but it was something I wanted to stop and slowly but surely I did. In January I told my family what was happening and I went to the doctors, which is where I was diagnosed with depression and bulimia. My relationship then broke in the February and I was heartbroken. This is where things got a lot worse. It was really tough, I was going through a big heartbreak which made it 10 times harder to get through. I took the blame for everything that had happened and looking back now I was so horrible to myself. My best friend Siobhan really helped me out with that, she would get so frustrated with me and some of the things she said to me really did help. I owe her a lot for how she made me feel. For a very long time afterwards I still blamed myself for a lot of things but slowly I began to get better. I had amazing friends and family around me who supported me and really pulled me through it. A lot of them were friends I sadly no longer see but I will always be thankful to them and love them unconditionally for what they did for me.
Even though I spent the majority of 2012 brokenhearted and dealing with big demons it's still a year I look back on as being one of the best. I look back on it and see a strong person, see someone who was surrounded with love and felt loved. When I look back on facebook at the pictures I'm tagged in it's a year I went out with friends a hell of a lot! I was constantly surrounded by amazing people! By the end of 2012 it felt like all of the depression and being so ill had completely gone. I was better and I felt amazing! I was really happy with myself and the people I had around me.
|Pictures from the best year ever!|
2013 however has not (on paper) been the worst year I've had but it's been the hardest. It's a year I'm glad to see the back of to be honest. A lot of mistakes were made this year and a lot of lessons were learnt. In January I moved out. I had wanted to move out for so long and I felt on top of the world. I felt like everything that had happened in the past 2 years took me to that moment, to a moment where my life was looking up and I had something to be proud of. My life was finally starting. Then in a month a lot happened, my flatmate and I brought a business together, we were overjoyed, so proud, we celebrated with many nights out and I had met a new chap [who still to this day makes me the happiest little lady in the land] The next few months though took a turn for the worst. Soon we realised the business we had brought was in fact a total fail. We had been told it was making xyz when infact it was making a loss. We tried really hard to turn it around and make it work, working 7 days a week between the shop and our jobs at Forever 21 and it just didn't work out. We got to a point where the money we was earning from Forever 21 was paying our rent for the flat and then we was left with nothing for the rest of the month for food and bills. It got me into a fuck load of debt. We decided to call the business a day and Ina circle was no more. All in the space of 4 months. That not a lot of time to go through so many emotions. It was hard on the both of us, but Ina circle brought us nothing but bad luck so we was happy to see the back of it.
The business had got me into so much debt I couldn't get out of it so I had to move back home to my moms house and still to this day the debt that occurred from the business is still ongoing and it's a real battle to concur. With all this going on everything got a little bit too much again and bulimia seemed to be creeping it's way back into my life but I refused to let it back in and I went to the doctors before it got anywhere and again tried to deal with things in different/healthier ways. I decided enough was enough of being depressed and took a big look at what/why I was feeling so low. I left my job which was a big reason to me being so unhappy. I got a lot of stick for it off people, people that were supposed to be my friends and should of seen the bigger picture.
I have honestly feel like going through all of this has been harder than facing my bulimia. I look at myself and I see a failure, I see someone who struggles to deal with things and has lost the feeling of being strong. Someone who's forgotten what it's like to be strong. I've gotten to a point where I am sick of looking at myself this way. I know I am none of those things, so why do I tell myself I am? Why am I so hard on myself? I tried something I have always wanted to do, and yeah it's failed and it's gotten me into huge trouble but how many people can say they gave their dreams a go? How many people have given up and ended things when feeling incredibly low? I'm still here and I'm still trying to make things better. I should be proud of that fact. There are so many things in my life that I am unhappy with and I've reached a point where enough is enough, these things have to stop and go away! And this year is when I'm going to do it! Starting with myself!
I'm very honest and open on this blog (as you've just read) and I'm going to be taking my journey with my blog. In 2015 I want to be writing about how 2014 was the best year I've had, How amazing I'm feeling and how I spent time with some beautiful people! I've got a few things planned and ready for how to start feeling more positively about yourself and I want to make this a series on my blog. If you're interested in writing a post to go alongside this series then please please feel free to email me I would love to share this experience with other people. Or even if you've gone through something similar and have any ideas/tips to share then please do. I would love to hear how people have managed to get themselves back into the light again?